Tuesday, 31 May 2011


Texting a boy? Let’s handle it the Crazy Bitch way.

Ok. So, you just sent him a text. He will OBVIOUSLY be waiting for it to arrive. There is literally no point in putting your phone down. KEEP IT IN YOUR HAND.


Four minutes have passed. He is playing hard to get. Adorable.


Seven minutes have passed. Maybe he didn’t hear his phone. Text him again.


It’s been ten minutes since the first text. Three since the second. Keep calm. Send a little text just asking if he’s busy – it literally won’t even count.


Two more minutes have passed. WHAT IS HE DOING?! Refrain from texting. You want him to think that you are laid back.


Three more minutes pass. Send him another text. This time, MENTION that you might not be around tomorrow night because you have a date. It doesn’t even matter that this date doesn’t exist. We just need him to be a little bit jealous, so he’ll realise how he feels about you.


He still hasn’t replied? He is clearly texting someone else. In your next text, be sure to express your disappointment – you didn’t think he was like that! How very wrong you were.


Actually, that last text seems a bit much. Maybe you should text him again, pretending that you sent that message to the wrong person.


OH MY ACTUAL CHRIST. He still hasn’t replied? Put the phone down and walk away. You don’t need him.


Right. Actually, you know what? You should text him again! You should complain, in detail, about how ignorant you think he is, and how you are WAY too good for him. It is important to get this across properly, so feel free to send a few messages.


It has been HALF AN HOUR since you sent him that first text. He is clearly an idiot. Text him telling him that you don’t even want a reply. IN FACT, tell him to delete your number.


A TEXT MESSAGE! FROM HIM! Remain calm. Apparently he left his phone upstairs. Do you actually believe him? God. Does he think you were born yesterday?! Text him back. Let him know that you are far too busy to talk to him.


ANOTHER TEXT FROM HIM! He doesn’t understand what’s wrong. He left his phone upstairs for half an hour, and when he went to get it so that he could text you there were twelve unread messages. Ignore this message. He is exaggerating.


ANOTHER TEXT FROM HIM! Fine, he says. This is unacceptable. Text him back as if nothing has happened. He is a boy. He will just go along with it.


Make no mention of the incident again. If he brings it up, accuse him of seeing other people.


Some useful texting tips:

Never delete texts that he has sent to you unless absolutely necessary. Take particular care of ones that contain possible references to his exes, and of ones in which he expresses his feelings. These will be important in future discussions.

Delete the messages in your sent box every hour or so. You don’t need to dwell on the past.

Be mindful of the number of kisses you are putting on the end of a message. It should always be less than the number he uses.

AND REMEMBER, it is perfectly acceptable to ring his phone whilst withholding your phone number, just to see if he has his phone on him.


Wednesday, 11 May 2011

My Laptop

I bet you've forgotten who I am, haven't you?!

MY ACTUAL CHRIST. I've been gone for ages, and this time it was genuinely not my fault.

I want us all to cast our minds back to January, when I said the following:

"My laptop, which is both the bane and the focal point of my life, decided to go on strike a week or so ago. There was something wrong with the bit where the charger goes in. A man fixed it. That's all I know."

Well, that man did not fix it. What actually happened was that he made it worse. MUCH MUCH WORSE.

The original problem was that the-bit-where-the-charger-goes-in wasn't working, and he said it was quite easy to fix. Despite that, it took three weeks and he charged me £40.
Another relevant piece of information here is that he lost my actual charger, and so replaced it with one that he had lying around. I didn't mind much, because every single inch of my laptop is covered in nailvarnish, and so it was nice to have something that looked all nice and new.

Not long after this had gone on, I started to notice that my laptop was overheating every half an hour. This was rubbish, but I reasoned that it was still charging and decided to cope. It wasn't really that bad, as long as I stayed away from Sims 3.

Fast forward to three weeks ago, and my laptop just DIED. It wouldn't charge, and then the battery ran out. So I took it back to the Giant Lump that had 'fixed it' in the first place, and he said that the same thing had happened again. SIGH.

When, this Monday, we still hadn't heard anything about my bloody laptop, my mother went into the shop. In most areas of my life, she is my secret weapon. I am not built for confrontation, honestly.
When she went in, the Giant Lump said, foolishly, that my laptop had been sitting around for weeks, but he had forgotten to mention it to us. If he could look my mother in the eye at this point, he is a braver man than any that I have met.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he went on to say that WE had damaged the-bit-where-the-charger-goes-in by plugging in a faulty charger and melting it.

*dramatic pause*

"You gave us that charger!" My mother said, probably in that voice she uses whenever I forget to empty the dishwasher.

I wasn't actually there at the time, so I can't relay to you the exact contents of the conversation that followed. However, I have lived with this woman for twenty three years, and can tell you that she is quite formidable.

Therefore, being a man with some survival skills, the Giant Lump recognised that he was at risk of DEATH and promised that he would have the laptop back to us by Friday and also would definitely not be charging us full price.
Personally I think it should be free, but my mother told me that sometimes you have to pick your battles.

Anyway, all being well, I'll have my laptop back on Friday and I can get back to being an actual blogger.