MY ACTUAL CHRIST. I've been gone for ages, and this time it was genuinely not my fault.
I want us all to cast our minds back to January, when I said the following:
"My laptop, which is both the bane and the focal point of my life, decided to go on strike a week or so ago. There was something wrong with the bit where the charger goes in. A man fixed it. That's all I know."
Well, that man did not fix it. What actually happened was that he made it worse. MUCH MUCH WORSE.
The original problem was that the-bit-where-the-charger-goes-in wasn't working, and he said it was quite easy to fix. Despite that, it took three weeks and he charged me £40.
Another relevant piece of information here is that he lost my actual charger, and so replaced it with one that he had lying around. I didn't mind much, because every single inch of my laptop is covered in nailvarnish, and so it was nice to have something that looked all nice and new.
Not long after this had gone on, I started to notice that my laptop was overheating every half an hour. This was rubbish, but I reasoned that it was still charging and decided to cope. It wasn't really that bad, as long as I stayed away from Sims 3.
Fast forward to three weeks ago, and my laptop just DIED. It wouldn't charge, and then the battery ran out. So I took it back to the Giant Lump that had 'fixed it' in the first place, and he said that the same thing had happened again. SIGH.
When, this Monday, we still hadn't heard anything about my bloody laptop, my mother went into the shop. In most areas of my life, she is my secret weapon. I am not built for confrontation, honestly.
When she went in, the Giant Lump said, foolishly, that my laptop had been sitting around for weeks, but he had forgotten to mention it to us. If he could look my mother in the eye at this point, he is a braver man than any that I have met.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he went on to say that WE had damaged the-bit-where-the-charger-goes-in by plugging in a faulty charger and melting it.
"You gave us that charger!" My mother said, probably in that voice she uses whenever I forget to empty the dishwasher.
I wasn't actually there at the time, so I can't relay to you the exact contents of the conversation that followed. However, I have lived with this woman for twenty three years, and can tell you that she is quite formidable.
Therefore, being a man with some survival skills, the Giant Lump recognised that he was at risk of DEATH and promised that he would have the laptop back to us by Friday and also would definitely not be charging us full price.
Personally I think it should be free, but my mother told me that sometimes you have to pick your battles.
Anyway, all being well, I'll have my laptop back on Friday and I can get back to being an actual blogger.