Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Texting

Texting a boy? Let’s handle it the Crazy Bitch way.

Ok. So, you just sent him a text. He will OBVIOUSLY be waiting for it to arrive. There is literally no point in putting your phone down. KEEP IT IN YOUR HAND.

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Four minutes have passed. He is playing hard to get. Adorable.

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Seven minutes have passed. Maybe he didn’t hear his phone. Text him again.

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It’s been ten minutes since the first text. Three since the second. Keep calm. Send a little text just asking if he’s busy – it literally won’t even count.

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Two more minutes have passed. WHAT IS HE DOING?! Refrain from texting. You want him to think that you are laid back.

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Three more minutes pass. Send him another text. This time, MENTION that you might not be around tomorrow night because you have a date. It doesn’t even matter that this date doesn’t exist. We just need him to be a little bit jealous, so he’ll realise how he feels about you.

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He still hasn’t replied? He is clearly texting someone else. In your next text, be sure to express your disappointment – you didn’t think he was like that! How very wrong you were.

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Actually, that last text seems a bit much. Maybe you should text him again, pretending that you sent that message to the wrong person.

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OH MY ACTUAL CHRIST. He still hasn’t replied? Put the phone down and walk away. You don’t need him.

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Right. Actually, you know what? You should text him again! You should complain, in detail, about how ignorant you think he is, and how you are WAY too good for him. It is important to get this across properly, so feel free to send a few messages.

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It has been HALF AN HOUR since you sent him that first text. He is clearly an idiot. Text him telling him that you don’t even want a reply. IN FACT, tell him to delete your number.

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A TEXT MESSAGE! FROM HIM! Remain calm. Apparently he left his phone upstairs. Do you actually believe him? God. Does he think you were born yesterday?! Text him back. Let him know that you are far too busy to talk to him.

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ANOTHER TEXT FROM HIM! He doesn’t understand what’s wrong. He left his phone upstairs for half an hour, and when he went to get it so that he could text you there were twelve unread messages. Ignore this message. He is exaggerating.

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ANOTHER TEXT FROM HIM! Fine, he says. This is unacceptable. Text him back as if nothing has happened. He is a boy. He will just go along with it.

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Make no mention of the incident again. If he brings it up, accuse him of seeing other people.


YOU ARE VERY WELCOME.


Some useful texting tips:

Never delete texts that he has sent to you unless absolutely necessary. Take particular care of ones that contain possible references to his exes, and of ones in which he expresses his feelings. These will be important in future discussions.

Delete the messages in your sent box every hour or so. You don’t need to dwell on the past.

Be mindful of the number of kisses you are putting on the end of a message. It should always be less than the number he uses.

AND REMEMBER, it is perfectly acceptable to ring his phone whilst withholding your phone number, just to see if he has his phone on him.

x