I’ve written loads of blogs recently. Loads. And most of them were brilliant, frankly.
But Laura! We have seen exactly none of these blogs! I hear you weep.
Well, that is because the things that I wrote made me seem slightly… unhinged.
You remember Fringe, don’t you? We’ve talked about him at least twice. I mentioned that he had decided that it would be OK for him to start going on dates. I didn’t approve of this AT ALL but he carried on regardless.
Brilliantly, his first few dates only served to remind him of what a catch I clearly am.
However, a few weeks ago, he went on a date with a girl from work. I wasn’t worried, particularly, because he did not seem very enthusiastic about the whole situation.
THAT WAS ALL PART OF HIS PLAN, LET ME TELL YOU!
After the aforementioned date, he said she was ‘alright’. He said that she was pretty, but not as pretty as me. He said she was funny, but not in the same way that I was. And, with some prompting, he said that her shoes were rubbish. He then casually informed me that he would be seeing her again, but only because it was polite.
By that, I have since discovered, he meant that he was NO LONGER SINGLE.
She is now his proper girlfriend.
Good for her.
I would quite like to tell you that I handled this all quite well. But that would be a lie. I am quite annoyed, if truth be told. What is the point of having an emergency boyfriend if he then RUNS OFF with someone else?
(Please do not feel as though you need to point out how selfish I am just yet. You might prefer to do that after the next paragraph.)
At one point I may have told him that I loved him. I also may have told him that I would be his girlfriend. However, when he did get around to replying to these insane text messages, I pretended that I had been hideously drunk and had been joking.
Well done me.
I don’t want to go out with him anyway. The problem that I have been having with the entire situation is that I am no longer the centre of his universe. All I want is a bit of attention. He never asks how I am, he doesn’t care about what I’ve been doing and it takes him CENTURIES to reply to texts. What a horrible boy.
Oh, and by the way, I voiced some of my undiluted jealousy and anger on twitter, assuming that it was safe to do so CONSIDERING THAT HE SEEMS TO HAVE ABANDONED ALL OF OUR YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP AND HAPPINESS. But it turns out that, despite not having the time to PICK UP THE PHONE, he has managed to find my twitter page and read every insane thing that I have ever said about him.
The less said about that, the better.
As I was saying, I wrote lots of blogs that were either about this or as a direct result of it (EDIT: I just checked. I literally wrote seven.) and, on the verge of publishing them, realised that I came across as a genuinely unbalanced individual.
Tonight, in fact, I wrote a blog entitled “Twelve Reasons That I Will Be Single Forever”, but have since decided that it is not the kind of thing I want to send out into the universe. Not this week, anyway.