Thursday, 23 February 2012

Why It Is Actually A Good Thing To Have A Crazy Bitch As Your Girlfriend

It has occurred to me that, during this annoyingly drawn-out emotional crisis, I have not been advertising myself very well to any potential suitors. The sheer magnitude of my grief and sorrow may have alerted some (previously) interested parties to the fact that I am a headcase of the highest order. This is especially true now that we have all come to realise that the person I was so upset about is, in fact, a [something I’m not allowed to say on the blog in case my mother reads it] who doesn’t believe in free speech* or in, you know, being a decent person.

The Verdict Was "Wow", Gil Elvgren

Anyway, I have compiled a list of the top three reasons as to Why It Is Actually A Good Thing To Have A Crazy Bitch As Your Girlfriend. Most of you will need no convincing, but I thought I’d make sure we were all on the same page.

1. Two/Three/A Million For The Price Of One
Far be it from me to generalise the entire heterosexual-male population, but I am under the impression that a large majority of you get a bit restless in a relationship and often seek solace in the arms of women who are not your girlfriend.
Well, men-who-are-like-that, why not invest in a Crazy Bitch? It’s like a million girlfriends in one handy, woman-shaped package.
You will literally never know who you are coming home to. One day, you’ll be greeted by the loving, cake-making, pinny-wearing dream-wife you’ve always wanted and, the next, you’ll walk through the door and narrowly avoid losing an eye as you dodge a flying fork that has been sent towards your head because you didn’t answer that text at lunch time.

2. Excellent Emotional Communication
Oh, those ‘normal’ women might be all nice and understanding when you make a mistake, but do you ever really know where you stand? Of course not. They keep everything bottled up. It’s unhealthy, is what it is.
That doesn’t happen with a Crazy Bitch. One way or another, you will be made VERY AWARE of her feelings regarding every little thing you do.

3. Transferable Skills
In today’s job market, you may find yourself a bit caught out when you’re filling out the old Curriculum Vitae, there. Not much work experience? Not many transferable skills? Well look no further!
Managing a Crazy Bitch will provide you with a wide range of skills that will impress any company looking to recruit. Dispute Resolution? You’ll pick that up fairly quickly. Complaints Management? Ditto. Speaking a foreign language? There’s nothing more foreign than the language she’ll be directing at you, sonny-jim.
You'll be at the top of the corporate ladder in no time.

There. Argue with that if you can. Crazy Bitches are a catch.


*Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed that a blog post has gone missing. I mentioned no names and said nothing disparaging, but I was effectively threatened and told to remove it from my blog. I’m also never allowed to write about Stretch again, because apparently that giant, grown-up man has got a bee in his bonnet about being portrayed as a [something I’m not allowed to say on the blog in case my mother reads it]. YOU’LL NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN, PET, ALRIGHT?