Thursday, 29 March 2012

Laura Does Love

There’s a boy.

It would be stupid, given that I talk about him on twitter almost CONSTANTLY, to pretend that I'm not PROPERLY FOND of him. Even considering that I have constructed my entire adult life around my propensity to fall hard and fast, he has managed to get under my skin far more quickly than I expected.

He doesn’t like me though. He says he does, but I can’t see it. It seems like it can’t possibly be true. He’s too interesting and clever and funny and all of that other stuff that girls have on their list of requirements. And he’s handsome. Did I mention that? And in a band.

I am aware, of course, that I could also be considered interesting and clever and funny, and that I probably tick a few boxes on his list too. Also, I look quite nice in a dress. HOWEVER, all of that good stuff is almost entirely overshadowed by the fact that I am frightfully unbalanced. He says it’s okay, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE HIM.

Unfortunately for all concerned, I have never been in an almost-relationship before where there is so little day-to-day contact. I’m used to unrelenting text messages and demands for attention and, as much as I have complained about these things in the past, they make me feel wanted and – I don’t know – secure or something.

It’s nice to know that someone is thinking about you. Or that they want to involve you in their life. Especially if, like me, you are inclined to believe the exact opposite.

(A few of you will be agreeing with me at this point. That’s because I haven’t reached the bit where I am unreasonable and an idiot.)

A couple of weeks ago, I tried to be a grown-up and address this little issue with him. His (understandable) response was that, if I wanted to speak to him, I could ALWAYS text him and he would ALWAYS get back to me as soon as he could.

The reason that this will not happen is that I live my life labouring under the belief that I am just an inconvenience to everyone. If I ask someone to go somewhere with me, I feel like I’m taking them away from something more important. If I tag along to a group-outing, I feel like I’m ruining everyone’s day. If I become someone’s girlfriend, I feel like I am keeping them from finding someone who isn’t a high-maintenance psychopath. I can’t help it. I’m wired up wrong. And text messaging is the same way. If I text him – especially knowing that he’s promised that he’ll always reply – I feel like I am forcing him to speak to me.

I just can’t do it. I realise that I am being awful, but I just can't.

Of course I told him that. But he said that maybe he has similar issues. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of rejection either. Maybe it would just be nice to know that I was thinking about him sometimes too.

Maybe.

Daniel, though – user of twitter, (occasional) writer of blogs, love of my life – said a brilliant thing when I told him this. And, like everything that wonderful young man says, I think it’s probably best to listen to it.

“In that case,” he said, “you should give him attention as well and look after each other.”

x