Saturday, 10 March 2012

A Starving Fat Girl

Evening. Sorry to interrupt your weekend, but I’ve got a serious thing to share with you.

Let’s not tart around with this - I’ve recently been cautiously diagnosed with ‘depression’ and an ‘eating disorder’. I know, right? Who knew fat people could have proper eating disorders? Mental.

The depression thing was, probably, quite obvious to everyone on the internet (particularly on twitter). I am notoriously unstable. Just this week, I have had three honest-to-goodness emotional breakdowns for reasons relating entirely to my physical appearance. Uncalled for.

That sort of leads me on to the next bit. This bloody eating disorder. There was talk of this eating disorder well before Christmas, but I just didn’t feel like telling people. It is embarrassing to have an eating disorder and have nothing to show for it. When you walk into a room proclaiming “I hate myself and deny my body of nutrients”, you want to be thin, surely. Otherwise, who the christ is going to believe you?

Anyway, someone did believe me, and it seems that I am in the grips of ED-NOS, or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

Before you all run off to google, let me explain.

What it basically means is that I can’t even do an eating disorder properly. I do everything, but not quite enough of it. I’m not being sick enough for Bulimia, I don’t restrict for long enough to be considered Anorexic and I’m not eating enough to have Binge Eating Disorder.

Technically though, I am mostly Bulimic. I’ve been this way since the first year of college (circa 2004). It got heavy during my second year of university (circa 2008), which many of you will fondly recall as “that year when Laura lost all that weight and looked really actually gorgeous”.

On my Bulimic days, I make myself sick six or seven times every day. Is it more glamorous to say I ‘purge’? Maybe. I never have just one Bulimic day though. It usually goes on for weeks at a time. I usually lose a little bit of weight – enough for people to notice and say I look pretty.

Next are the Anorexic days, which I am currently right in the swing of. I eat under 400 calories a day. I get headaches, I feel dizzy, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight – it only lasts for a couple of weeks at a time though. This time it is being helped along by the fact that I can’t actually afford to eat. So far, I’ve lost 18lbs in three weeks. Everyone keeps saying how lovely I look.

On my Binge Eating days, which usually follow the Anorexic ones, I turn into a bottomless pit. I eat until it physically hurts. All the weight – and some extra – that I’ve lost during my other episodes comes back then. People stop saying I look pretty.

And then it starts again.

Unpleasant, wouldn’t you say? Try living with it.

Now that I’m on my way to a proper and official diagnosis that will, I’m told, give me some treatment options, I feel like I can talk about it. It’s a really shit thing to have to deal with on your own, and if anyone is going through something similar, I’d be super-interested to talk to you - leave me a comment or email me on auralerb@gmail.com.

Normal service will resume in the next blog. Thanks for reading.

x