Monday, 30 April 2012

Actually Fine

It’s been a while. I hope you’re well.

I’m fine. As usual.

Unlike the last time that I told you I was fine, this time I really am.

That’s not to say I’m completely stable or anything - and I imagine that I will only ever achieve such a state of being with the assistance of heavy-duty medication - but I’m not upset about that boy anymore.

So that’s good.

Actually though, now that we’ve brought it up, I am beginning to wonder whether I was ever really upset about him in the first place.

I think I’ve just had too much time on my hands, to be honest.

It’s genuinely terrifying to spend as much time with yourself as I do. Especially when you are already a bit unbalanced.

The first week or so away from university was tolerable. Even enjoyable. I was probably talking to the dog a bit too much, and I couldn’t stay out of the kitchen, but I was managing to limp through life. After that, though, things got a bit dull and I quickly discovered that there is only so much weight you can put on before all the joy is removed from comfort eating.

In situations like this, most of you will have no idea what kind of ridiculous memories your brain is capable of dredging up just to entertain itself for an afternoon. You might think that you know exactly what I'm talking about, but wait until you've spent four weeks alone with absolutely no purpose.Your brain saves up some extra special stuff for times like that, let me tell you.

I got upset by a shoe yesterday. A SHOE.

It was on the floor, I tripped over it. Then my brain got involved to ensure that I was provided with enough devastating romance-based memories – most of which were only vaguely attached to said shoe - to render me damn-near inconsolable for several hours.

You can blame that on the depression if you like, but it’s definitely being exacerbated by cabin fever.