Friday, 13 April 2012


My mother met with an accident today. Rather brilliantly, while speaking to a workman, she pointed skyward, lost her balance and proceeded to fall backwards into the garden from the top of our front steps.

(She has injured her arm and various other body parts. I’m sure she’d love to tell you about it, but I am bored to tears with it all.)

We have, essentially, put this ridiculous fall down to the magical, mysterious powers of Friday the 13th.

ACute Injury, Gil Elvgren

Despite having a pleasant day myself, with no injuries thus far, this incident has brought to mind all of the best falls that I have suffered. You will soon see that I have inherited my balance from my mother, so there has been no shortage of such events.

Therefore, good people, in celebration of Friday the 13th, and of having enough bad luck to live as though every day has such superstitious significance, I have compiled a list of the best five falls I have ever had (in chronological order).

*a tense silence descends*

5. When I was fifteen, while flipping my hair about in the wind and attempting to look alluring and mysterious in the direction of a boy, I lost my footing on the edge of the school field and rolled down a sizeable hill. In fact, such was the size of the hill that, by the time I had managed to roll all the way to the bottom, the entire school had managed to gather themselves at the top of it to stare down at me.

4. In college I decided that I was in love with a boy called Tom. One thing led to another, and those things led to a situation that saw me leaning through a window, giving him a quick snog before his teacher came back into the classroom. Inexplicably, during the snog, I fell backwards – no idea how or, indeed, why – and his lips were so fully locked on mine that poor Tom was dragged halfway through the aforementioned window and left dangling as his ridiculous girlfriend lay on the floor dying of shame.

3. In my third year of university, I braved arctic weather conditions to go and procure some chocolate milkshake from the shop. Halfway across the square, I slipped HARD and hurt my buttock-area SO MUCH that I couldn’t stand up. I sat there being helpless for a while and then managed to gather the inner-strength necessary to crawl my way to the shop. I don’t know how many witnesses there were.

2. In the same year, and not long after, I made the mistake of going back to the very same shop, in the very same weather conditions, and slipped AGAIN. This time, though, I slipped on the stairs. This was much nicer because, even though I have never been bruised so badly IN MY LIFE, sitting crying on some stairs is a bit less embarrassing than sitting crying in the middle of Alexandra Square.

1. Quite recently, perhaps a couple of months ago, I was doing a jog. I had decided, against all my better judgement, to Get Fit. (You are probably aware that I am currently less fit that I was when I started that life plan, so it obviously worked VERY WELL.) During my jog my knee started to feel a bit funny. About twenty minutes in, it felt SO funny that I knew I was going to fall over. I knew it. Instead of stopping, which you would think was the natural thing to do in such a situation, I soldiered on. Several moments later, as I was being jogged past by a good percentage of the football team, my body and my brain had a disagreement. My body, in pain as it was, decided to stop. My brain, as vain as it is, decided to keep running and look sexy about it. Confused, I attempted to do BOTH THINGS. Long story short, I took out two footballers and lost several layers of skin from the palms of my hands.

Pro Jogging Tip: Stay upright, always.