Friday, 10 August 2012

The Problem

Doughnut made the following comment a few weeks ago, during an argument.

“I felt sorry for you when I read your blog. I thought ‘how could one person be so unlucky?’ But now I know that it’s YOU. You’re the problem!”

This, while cruel and unnecessary, is an interesting point.

Am I the problem?

Maybe.

I’m horrendously hard work. The die-hard romantic and impulsive part of me comes along with a chronic sensitivity that can render me impossible to deal with at the best of times. I spend hours rehearsing relationship-conversations in my head, and when they don’t go the way I expected, I feel like I’m being ambushed. With little reason, I often feel like I’m being ignored, or that I’m being mocked. Sometimes I overthink myself into such a state that I am muted by my own stupid emotions. When I’m separated from someone I like, or even love, I miss them with such ferocity that my bones ache. I have an unfailing ability to look past the flaws of others and concentrate my attention on my own. I’m paranoid, I’m jealous and I’m insecure.

Oh yeah. And I use twitter as a weapon.

But Stretch, Beard and Doughnut weren't and aren't exactly bastions of emotional stability either.

Of course they liked me, and one of them even fell in love with me, but there was a barrier there with all of them that meant that someone like me was too much hassle. They were all holding on to something awful that meant I was too much of a risk. I never saw the danger in that – with any of them – until it was too late and my unfortunate little heart had been broken.

I thought I could fix them. I thought that I would be enough to heal whatever damage had been done before.

And there lies the actual problem.

You can’t fix people.

x

EDIT (20/03/2014): I was just running around fixing some formatting and it hit me that people reading this for the first time or maybe out of order may get a little confused. So, SPOILER ALERT, Doughnut and I made up. Everybody is still as ill-equipped as they were, just in a much more cohesive and enjoyable fashion. With that in mind, I'm not going to delete anything because the bad bits helped get to the good bits.