Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Tricks of the Trade

For a Crazy Bitch, there’s nothing more frustrating than failing to get the reaction you feel you deserve.

Perhaps you’ve realised that the object of your affections is less interested than he used to be. Perhaps he’s looking elsewhere. Perhaps you haven’t quite turned him into the pathetic love-struck wreck you had been hoping for. Perhaps, DEEP DOWN, you both know that he really can do much better than you.

If this is the case, I invite you to follow our step-by-step programme:

Crazy Bitch 101: Make Him Suffer

Let’s imagine that you've taken issue with him.

There doesn't need to be a reason.

Step 1: Vague Sorrow
The crucial detail here is that you don’t tell him what he’s done – possibly because he hasn't actually done anything at all. It would be much too simple and would allow him to offer a solution of some sort. You don’t want that just yet.

Sometimes an extended bout of this is enough to trick him into apologising for things he may or may not have done. And, of course, TO TEACH HIM A LESSON.

If not, we move on.

Step 2: (Seemingly) Uncontrollable Rage
His lack of reaction to your Vague Sorrow is only proof that he simply doesn't care about you. This makes you angry, of course, so you must express this to him.

Don’t hold back.

Be sure to bring up everything he has ever done wrong, as well as systematically poking at every single insecurity that he has ever revealed to you.

If he gets angry at you, you may want to go back to Step 1.

If he gets upset, you are in a perfect position to progress successfully to Step 3.

Step 3: Dramatic Exit
Leave the room. Log off the internet. Turn off your phone.

By the time you return – be that in an hour or in a day – he will be so destroyed by your absence from his life that he will do whatever it takes to make things right. Regardless of the fact that he still isn’t entirely sure what was wrong in the first place.

Used too often, however, this method will start to fail. It will take him longer and longer to miss you, and you will have to go further in our step-by-step process to get the same effect.

Step 4: (Seemingly) Blissful Happiness
This stage will demonstrate to him that you are fine without him. He will start to regret his (possibly imagined) actions, and you will be moving on with your life in such a way that it makes him ache for you.

This step works particularly well if you manage to ensnare a hapless young man to assist you in making him jealous. Photos of romantic encounters and overly affectionate messages on social networking sites are a MUST.

Those among you who have a particular penchant for causing suffering and heartache might want to take the time to send some of these tokens of your new love directly to the person in question. Changing your contact details frequently will ensure that you aren’t breaking any of the communication rules that you have set for yourself.

Step 5: Goodbye Forever
As we discussed, it may be that your constant disappearing acts are starting to lose their effect on his mental state. At this point, you must show him that you mean business.

Delete, block and private will become your best friends during this stage.

Disappearing from his life completely and without explanation will surely do the trick. You may choose to leave him a scathing message, detailing his failings as a man and, indeed, as a human, but we leave this entirely up to you.

What we’re doing here is robbing him of an imagined future. It is highly likely at this point that he misses you so much that he has forgotten what a despicable pain you are, and so he will feel a great deal of sorrow as he looks towards a life without you.

Once again, however, there are only so many times that you can use the ‘Goodbye, Forever!” line without it becoming clear that you are so horrifically manipulative .

It may be time to bring in the big guns. 

Step 6: I Know Something You Don’t Know
This is as effective as you are willing to make it.

Does he seem to be getting on with his life? Has he perhaps found someone else? Or, at the very least, found some peace? NOT ON YOUR WATCH.

Start an argument. Completely out of the blue. Helpful topics include ‘you’re so pathetic’, ‘I’m better off without you’ and, the ever-popular, ‘I’m in love with someone else’.

At the point in the discussion where you start to lose control – because of him having the NERVE to develop a backbone during your absence – you should leave. BUT NOT BEFORE SAYING SOMETHING THAT WILL DESTROY HIM. Popular choices from our regular users have included such CLASSICS as ‘I’m pregnant’, ‘I slept with your best friend’ and, a real favourite, ‘I had something really IMPORTANT to tell you, but now I’m not going to.’

Now when you leave, he will be stuck with a fresh batch of uncertainty and insecurity.

Return to Step 5 and repeat as required.

At this point, he’ll be in such a state that he’s sure to forgive everything you’ve done JUST TO MAKE IT STOP.

Good Luck.


Tuesday, 9 October 2012

History Repeating

I haven't been entirely honest with you.

If you've been around for long enough, you'll be aware of two significant relationships that have been crucial in the development of my current batch of neuroses. But between Idiot and Stretch, there was someone equally as significant.

So significant, in fact, that I haven't been able to talk about him until now.

Of all the boys I have ever loved and lost, he is the one that I often think about seeking out again. Not to reconcile, as such, but to apologise. Because I owe him an apology. And a lot more than that.

For several months, I allowed him to think that there was a chance for us. I always knew that there wasn't.

Desperate for some kind of relief from the aftermath of my relationship with Idiot, I would alternate between spending every waking hour speaking to this boy and inexplicably declaring that I never wanted to see him again.

I was addicted to the reaction I provoked.

When I was making him believe that I loved him, I even started to believe it myself. I would spend hours on the phone with him, listening to his stories and soothing his anxieties. I'd lie in his arms and trace the scars on his arms, promising that I'd never let him do anything like that again. I'd go out of my way to be the person I knew he deserved.

Sooner or later, I always grew bored of his unwavering affection and adoration. There were arguments, of course, but I don't recall him ever starting them or even participating in them particularly forcefully. A good quality, you might have thought. And yet I craved the drama of my previous relationship. I missed the fighting, the shouting, the making up.

So I'd leave. Usually for a reason I imagined or withheld.

I'd go offline, ignore his texts, find someone else.

But I always went back.

During my longest disappearance, unbeknownst to me, his anxiety became so severe that he had to leave work for a while. He spent his days writing songs about me, getting some of them onto compilation albums in the hope that I'd hear them and come back sooner. He rang a radio station once, so I hear, and got his song played there. He never stopped texting or emailing. The hope that I might come back was all-consuming, and it broke him.

Had he not crashed his car in a fit of desperation, I might have carried on for longer.

Last night, in a late-night conversation, I was reminded of the boy I've never mentioned, of how I almost destroyed him, because I have found myself in a similar situation once again.

So today I cut off all contact with the boy I've been stringing along. And I'm not going back.