Thursday, 22 November 2012

Scars

Idiot and I have been speaking again.

A few weeks ago, for the first time in over two years, he got in touch via a comment on this blog - a blog, mind you, that he was the catalyst for.

I wish I could think of a better word for the outcome of this experience than 'closure', but I can't.

Speaking to him again has not only made me realise that I have completely moved on but also that I probably moved on quite a long time ago without really noticing.

I'm not writing this to prove a point to him or, indeed, anyone else. I'm writing this because, although the above is true, it does not erase or even lessen the memory of the heartbreak and hopelessness I felt when he disappeared.

Allow me to elaborate.

Stepping Out, Gil Elvgren

When we broke up, I was left in pieces. I was under the impression that this boy - the first I had loved - was the only one that would ever mean so much to me. While I wasn't foolish enough to think that I would never love again, I was haunted by the overwhelming feeling that anyone else would be second best.

(I had visions of myself, in fact, sitting on a park bench decades later - looking suspiciously like my old history teacher - being clawed at by What Ifs and Maybes, as a faceless husband sat beside me in a tweed suit. Clear as day, it was.)

Having never felt so strongly for someone, I had given all of myself to this one boy. I had allowed myself to fall so completely that little else mattered but his happiness. My entire world, for those two years, was focused on him.

And then it was over. He didn't die, so I couldn't grieve. We didn't go out in flames, so I couldn't be angry. He simply stopped caring, and all I had left then was a screaming sadness that refused to let me rest.

(Here comes the important part. If you are reading this with a broken heart, now is the time to pay attention.)

But over the course of two years worth of healing, I have discovered three absolutes.

1. Time, with all the will in the world, will only move forward.

Dwelling on the past will not send you back there, it will merely make catching up all the harder.

Knowing this will not stop you from doing it, so just try to keep it to a minimum.

2. A wound that does not kill you will heal.

Scars change the way you are, the way you act, the way you think. They change what you hide and what you reveal. They change who you trust and what that means to you.

But, given time, they fade. I promise.

3. Love is infinite.

You have as much or as little of it as you are prepared to give and that will never stop being true.

Even when the pieces of your heart feel too small to be glued back together.

x