Monday, 27 August 2012

We're Done Here

First of all, I’M SORRY.

I realise that those of you who’ve been forced to witness the incessant live-tweeting of my recent communications with Doughnut are probably tearing your hair out at this point, and the advice that many of you gave – despite being ignored with a certain amount of gusto – is very much appreciated.

Block him, delete him, ignore him, stop replying… blah blah blah.

I KNOW.

It all SOUNDS lovely and simple.

But I'm nothing if not stubborn.

Before I lay all the blame at his door, allow me to insert a disclaimer:

I am not without flaws. 

I’m not under the impression that I am the easiest person in the world to deal with, nor am I denying that I have said some atrocious things on more than one occasion.

HOWEVER, I think enough of myself to know that I don’t deserve to deal with name-calling, harassment and online abuse because I made the mistake of getting involved with someone unsuitable for all of five minutes.

I don’t really have the time or patience to detail everything that has gone wrong here. I’ve got nails to paint and reports to write, after all. What I will say, however, is that I have had enough.

Despite unfollowing me a CONSIDERABLE amount of time ago, Doughnut – as recent evidence suggests – still spends a worrying amount of time lurking on my twitter feed. The unfortunate consequence of this is that I receive an unpleasant message or two whenever I write something that may vaguely concern him or that does not sit well with his opinion of what I should be doing.

The point of this blog post, as short and poorly written as it is, is merely to publicly draw a line underneath this whole horrid business with a vow to never mention him again.

I don’t want to second guess everything I say on twitter. I don’t want to have to justify who I spend my time with, and where I might spend that time with them. I especially don’t want to feel sick every time I get a facebook message, just in case I’m in trouble again.

Sigh.

Naturally, he thinks I’m in the wrong here. That I’m out to ruin his life or make him miserable. Or that it’s me who’s having trouble letting go.

I can’t do anything about that.

I’m done defending myself against someone who will not be reasoned with.

As far as I’m concerned, if his ego needs the world to think that he is the poor long-suffering victim, then FINE.

x

EDIT (20/03/2014): I was just running around fixing some formatting and it hit me that people reading this for the first time or maybe out of order may get a little confused. So, SPOILER ALERT, Doughnut and I made up. Everybody is still as ill-equipped as they were, just in a much more cohesive and enjoyable fashion. With that in mind, I'm not going to delete anything because the bad bits helped get to the good bits.

Friday, 10 August 2012

The Problem

Doughnut made the following comment a few weeks ago, during an argument.

“I felt sorry for you when I read your blog. I thought ‘how could one person be so unlucky?’ But now I know that it’s YOU. You’re the problem!”

This, while cruel and unnecessary, is an interesting point.

Am I the problem?

Maybe.

I’m horrendously hard work. The die-hard romantic and impulsive part of me comes along with a chronic sensitivity that can render me impossible to deal with at the best of times. I spend hours rehearsing relationship-conversations in my head, and when they don’t go the way I expected, I feel like I’m being ambushed. With little reason, I often feel like I’m being ignored, or that I’m being mocked. Sometimes I overthink myself into such a state that I am muted by my own stupid emotions. When I’m separated from someone I like, or even love, I miss them with such ferocity that my bones ache. I have an unfailing ability to look past the flaws of others and concentrate my attention on my own. I’m paranoid, I’m jealous and I’m insecure.

Oh yeah. And I use twitter as a weapon.

But Stretch, Beard and Doughnut weren't and aren't exactly bastions of emotional stability either.

Of course they liked me, and one of them even fell in love with me, but there was a barrier there with all of them that meant that someone like me was too much hassle. They were all holding on to something awful that meant I was too much of a risk. I never saw the danger in that – with any of them – until it was too late and my unfortunate little heart had been broken.

I thought I could fix them. I thought that I would be enough to heal whatever damage had been done before.

And there lies the actual problem.

You can’t fix people.

x

EDIT (20/03/2014): I was just running around fixing some formatting and it hit me that people reading this for the first time or maybe out of order may get a little confused. So, SPOILER ALERT, Doughnut and I made up. Everybody is still as ill-equipped as they were, just in a much more cohesive and enjoyable fashion. With that in mind, I'm not going to delete anything because the bad bits helped get to the good bits.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

The Last Boy Who Upset Me

This blog curses relationships.

So I’m not even going to MENTION my current situation other than to say that things are fine.

Let’s leave it at that and not start giving anyone a nickname that will ultimately doom whatever it is we’ve got going on.

Instead, I think we should have a word about the last boy that I declared feelings for on here.

Doughnut, we've called him. (Reasons withheld.)

As first dates go, ours was good.

The rest of the relationship – or whatever it was – was not as easy. We fought almost constantly and we made each other miserable. But even now, weeks after our relationship crumbled into disrepair, I am still driven wildly jealous by the mere thought of him moving on.

Frankly, I thought he was amazing and there was a lot about him that I admired. Even as someone with a propensity to fall hard and fast, I can honestly say that I have rarely been so quickly overwhelmed by someone before.

Sigh.

On our second date, referencing an excellent blog post that I once wrote, he asked me what I was going to change to impress him. Foolishly thinking that I was enough for him, I answered “I don’t need to change anything!” His reaction was nothing less than stone-cold disappointment. He expected, I think, that I would be bending over backwards to remain in his favour and that’s essentially what our problem was.

I wouldn’t tiptoe around his issues any more than he would tiptoe around mine, and he didn’t like that. He wanted more from me than he would have ever freely given. He wanted someone who would fit nicely into his life without disrupting it or making things complicated.

It was never going to work.

Sad.

But I’m mostly ok now.

x

EDIT (20/03/2014): I was just running around fixing some formatting and it hit me that people reading this for the first time or maybe out of order may get a little confused. So, SPOILER ALERT, Doughnut and I made up. Everybody is still as ill-equipped as they were, just in a much more cohesive and enjoyable fashion. With that in mind, I'm not going to delete anything because the bad bits helped get to the good bits.