Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Resolute

Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

As I'm still dealing with horrendous, nonsensical anxiety about most of my writing projects, I'm afraid you're getting what is essentially another list.

It's fine though, because it is a list of resolutions and that's usually quite an interesting thing to read, no?

I would like to preface this list by saying that I do have other more common resolutions to uphold.

I plan to become a better person, drop three dress sizes, save money for a deposit on a flat and find the love of my life.

Easy-peasy.

Now, on to the more difficult - and therefore sufficiently annotated - resolutions.

1. To Be Honest

While I don't often lie, per se, I am certainly not honest.

I bottle things up and merrily passive-aggressive my way through the day.

You see, in real life, I am so frustratingly closed off - emotionally-speaking - that boyfriends, past and current, have found themselves trawling my twitter timeline for mere indications of how I'm feeling or what's happening between us. In fact one of them recently said that, had I talked to him like I talk to my followers, we would have been much happier for much longer.

Sad but also true.

This year, and henceforth, I will strive to express my feelings - good and bad - as well as I am able, mostly without the use of social media.

2. To Stop Walking Away

Confronted with a relationship-argument that requires anything more than a sexual favour to resolve, I become useless. I can't listen, I can't respond, I can't behave rationally.

I have, in the recent and less-recent past, allowed relationships to crumble before me because I simply can't bring myself to face up to problems that will cause me any degree of emotional difficulty.

This year, and henceforth, I intend to face things head on. I will deal with things IN THE MOMENT, stop walking away at the first sign of trouble and put in my share of effort to get things sorted.

3. To Ignore Me

One of the many and varied reasons I often feel as though it would be best to simply disappear is that I am living under a cloud of chronic self-doubt.

I find it difficult to believe that people can stand to look at me, let alone speak to me, and therefore often labour under the belief that I am inflicting myself upon them.

In relationships, I worry almost constantly that I am about to be replaced by someone 'better' and so, as soon as an opportunity is presented to me, I will usually leave.

This year, and henceforth, I intend to try to stop listening to my own damaged self-opinions and start believing what people say. I am both worthy and capable of love.

Yes.

Looks like a much less complicated year ahead, does it not?

x