Sunday, 26 May 2013

All Unrequited

This is an uncomfortably new situation for me, romantically-speaking. With all the horrific luck and terrible decisions that litter my dating history, I've never been HERE before. While many of the relationships I've had have fallen apart mercilessly and largely without my say-so, I've never had THIS problem.

The problem I speak of is unrequited love. Or unrequited feelings, I suppose. Feelings that feel a lot like love, except much more sad and painful. And hopeless. That's quite prevalent.

There will plenty of time before this subsides to cover the specifics. We've met this young man before, and I believe the general theme was the same. Perhaps not the unrequitedness of it all, but certainly the HELL that I've put myself through for (what feels like) not much in return.

It's probably worth mentioning that I haven't been very vocal about how I'm feeling, largely because I fear that anything I do say will be met with either hostility or ignorance. This, as an approach, is not something that I would recommend. Some things are bigger on the inside* and do need to be shared for the sake of perspective if nothing else.

But I'm not writing this for people who are in my situation.

I'm going to offer some advice to those of you who have someone like me hanging off your every text, tweet and instagram post.

There are, essentially, four ways to deal with someone being all unrequited in your direction.

1. Take advantage.

Allow them to take you out, let them spend their money and BY ALL MEANS sleep with them and act like it's nothing.

They'll come running every time, so it's not like it's your fault.

2. Taunt them.

While you're doing the above, you might want to rub their poor unlovable faces in the relationships that actually HAVE meant something to you. Or in the ones that you're conducting alongside this farce.

You've made it clear that you're not interested in them, so why not?

3. Be a dick.

Belittle their feelings. Tell them that they aren't in love and that they're stupid for thinking so in the first place. Maybe tell them they're insane.

Whatever makes YOU feel better. They probably need to hear it.

You may even want to combine those first three approaches to cause maximum damage.

Or, rather heroically, you could go with the fourth.

You see, the older I get, the more I come to realise that you have a responsibility to those who make the mistake of falling for you. Not a responsibility to return their feelings, or even to feel guilty for not doing so, but certainly one to do whatever you can to NOT MAKE THINGS WORSE.

Treat them, whoever they are, with the respect they deserve.

Maybe it is just a crush (in my case, a crush that has been going on for MONTHS and is showing no signs of abating) and maybe they'll just get over it. But, equally, maybe they'll need a lot of time and a lot of understanding.

I hate to tell you this, but a lot of it is on you. Ever tried thinking rationally when you're in love? You're the one with the clear head here. You have a responsibility - albeit a moral and not exactly obligatory one - to avoid one, two and three and to avoid being the one who adds to what is already a horribly painful situation.

If that means walking away, so be it.

But if it means hanging in there and BEING A PERSON, do that.

4. Be understanding. Be honest. Be kind. Be exactly the kind of person that they believe you to be. 


*I would be a lot less embarrassed about this reference if Doctor Who had been slightly less terrible this year.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

Suicide and Other Ideas

In this edition of 'Laura Does A Disorder', we're going to revisit that little Depression Problem I was diagnosed with last year or whenever that was.

I did so little about it that it is actually LAUGHABLE and the fact that I am even surprised that it has come to this is astonishing.

In hindsight, we probably could have avoided quite a lot of this trauma.

But I'm on the verge of killing myself.

Don't panic.

(I know you're still panicking.)

Basically, without wanting to upset anyone, there's been a huge amount of "WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF ME?" and "I RUIN EVERYTHING. YOU'D ALL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME."

You know.

That kind of thing. For months. And bleeding months.

You've probably seen it all over twitter and assumed I was just having a couple of off days. An easy mistake to make. I certainly made it. As did my mother. And everyone else.

Unfortunately - and I say this because I feel as though we are at risk of being entirely blasé about this - it currently takes a remarkable amount of willpower to stop myself walking into traffic.

I've not only had passing thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore, but am also plagued by the long lingering ones that prod you until you ask, "Would jumping off a bridge that low actually work?"

Everything seems MASSIVE and out of my control and, most painfully, absolutely never-ending.

Suicide, effectively, often occurs to me as the most logical way out of my own personal hell.

Like I said, everything seems massive.

Everything seems like the end of the world.

But it's probably not.


(Note: My most recent diagnosis was, specifically, 'major depressive disorder, social anxiety, bulimia, OCD and dermatillomania'. I've been prescribed a thing called Sertraline. It makes me sick and I haven't eaten properly in over a week, BUT I AM ASSURED THAT THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Thank you for reading and DO TRY not to worry. This was meant entirely to inform and appease.)