Thursday, 16 May 2013

Suicide and Other Ideas

In this edition of 'Laura Does A Disorder', we're going to revisit that little Depression Problem I was diagnosed with last year or whenever that was.

I did so little about it that it is actually LAUGHABLE and the fact that I am even surprised that it has come to this is astonishing.

In hindsight, we probably could have avoided quite a lot of this trauma.

But I'm on the verge of killing myself.

Don't panic.

(I know you're still panicking.)

Basically, without wanting to upset anyone, there's been a huge amount of "WHAT IS EVEN THE POINT OF ME?" and "I RUIN EVERYTHING. YOU'D ALL BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME."

You know.

That kind of thing. For months. And bleeding months.

You've probably seen it all over twitter and assumed I was just having a couple of off days. An easy mistake to make. I certainly made it. As did my mother. And everyone else.

Unfortunately - and I say this because I feel as though we are at risk of being entirely blasé about this - it currently takes a remarkable amount of willpower to stop myself walking into traffic.

I've not only had passing thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore, but am also plagued by the long lingering ones that prod you until you ask, "Would jumping off a bridge that low actually work?"

Everything seems MASSIVE and out of my control and, most painfully, absolutely never-ending.

Suicide, effectively, often occurs to me as the most logical way out of my own personal hell.

Like I said, everything seems massive.

Everything seems like the end of the world.

But it's probably not.


(Note: My most recent diagnosis was, specifically, 'major depressive disorder, social anxiety, bulimia, OCD and dermatillomania'. I've been prescribed a thing called Sertraline. It makes me sick and I haven't eaten properly in over a week, BUT I AM ASSURED THAT THIS IS WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Thank you for reading and DO TRY not to worry. This was meant entirely to inform and appease.)