Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Distress And Impairment

I'm a little bit het up this week.

I've got myself all worked up about a thing and a boy, and I can't settle.

So, rather than write another post that's going to get me into trouble, I thought I'd share something a bit more inconsequential, and ultimately cathartic, inspired by a documentary I just watched on the making of Jaws.

Well, cathartic or stroke-inducing. Let's see.

Things I Am Scared Of 

(Or, Why I Should Probably Be Under The Care Of A Psychiatrist)

Fairly common, except that I am rendered mute and motionless by them. So, when they eventually organise an attack, I will be useless.

They give me the heebie jeebies. I'm only actually FRIGHTENED of ones that are really thin when you look at them from the front, but not when you look at them from a different angle.

Blue ones, specifically. They are too big and too invisible. You could be in the sea and have one of them underneath you and not even know. Granted, you'd have to be quite a way in, but I think my point still stands. Also, it's all well and good saying they're not going to eat you, but one of these things could SNIFF and you'd probably be dragged under.

Meat That Is Still Animal-Shaped
I enjoy chicken nuggets, but I would rather rip my own face off than eat a chicken leg. I can't even watch someone eat one without breaking into a sweat. Apply this to all meat. I like my food well and truly processed, thank you.

I don't really mind listening to them when I am in a safe place with no violins around, so it doesn't affect my enjoyment of popular music. However, I feel a horrible and instinctive need to shield my eyes when I see them, regardless of my proximity to them, and particularly if they are being played. It's a very physical reaction, and leads me to believe that I would have to be put into a padded room were I to accidentally touch one.

Foxes That Have Been Turned Into Scarves
If you ever watched Round The Twist, I suspect that you remember the episode in which a dead fox starts coming to life in a cupboard and cries about a lemon tree. If you don't, I would strongly suggest that you don't go looking for it. This has been the basis of a recurring nightmare that has haunted me for ABOUT eighteen years.

Piles Of Paper
I'm okay with a pile of paper that includes no more than, say, ten sheets. However, I would slit my own throat before I'd be the one in the office to open a new packet of paper and put it in the printer. I was once caught trying to use two rulers as chopsticks to avoid touching too many paper edges at once. There are worries that this could impede my professional development.

The little metal ones. I have no idea. I think this is another eye-related thing, like the violin business.

The Flappy Bit Of Skin Between Your Index Finger And Your Thumb
I've been forced to develop a way of washing my hands that makes contact with that bit of skin as trauma-free as possible. Sometimes, though, when I'm feeling a bit self-destructive, I touch it to see how long it will take to give myself a nervous breakdown. Like how some people poke their stitches or touch their eyeball to bother people.


I think I've covered all the things that I don't mind telling people about.

You saw 'spiders' and thought that this would be lovely and straightforward, didn't you? Silly reader.


Saturday, 15 June 2013

Be Selfish

I usually go out of my way to avoid posting overly-sentimental stuff on my public tumblr, but today I had one and a half chocolate oranges and subsequently threw all of my dignity to the wind.

The post that caught my attention and alienated about half of my followers, however, resonated with me in a way that surprised me so much that I thought I'd bore you with it as well.

I'm not going to link it (because I got embarrassed and deleted it and now I can't find it) so I'm going to quote a point that I saved. Just this bit:

"Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you."


I suppose that's something that will only move you if you are (or have been) where I am. Everyone else reading this is just rolling their eyes at my all-too-predictable emotional collapse. But I'm going somewhere with this, I assure you.

In fact, I think I may have had an epiphany of sorts.

Not long ago, we briefly addressed some unfortunate feelings that I am currently suffering - and we're doing a daily play-by-play over on twitter - but what we've never really talked about is my history of putting myself in this position.

(Just less than a year ago, however, I did write this. About, I should warn you, the same boy that we're dealing with now. I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT YOU GO BACK AND READ IT. Past Me is proving my point better than Current Me could ever hope to.)


The most frustrating thing about being a bit 'emotionally troubled' is that there isn't a foolproof way of dealing with it.

There comes a point when you run out of woe and don't have the energy to fall into an Ophelian heap every time something goes wrong. You're just stuck, right at the bottom of an empty emotionless well.

You might stay there for a while, but sooner or later you realise that you need to get out.

Here are your options:

1. You wait around to be rescued.

2. You concentrate on helping someone else to get out of the well.

3. You climb out by yourself.

My sanity absolutely relies on option number two.

If I'm not dealing with someone else's problems - emotional or otherwise - then I have no choice but to deal with mine, and there always seem to be too many of them.

That's why, you see, I have allowed myself to be second best in every relationship I've ever had. It's why I've been, essentially, a rebound girl for every boy I've been involved with. It's why the girl who shows up after I've gone (or sometimes while I'm still around) always seems to be the one that works out.

Because I've been the emotional punch bag, and I've allowed someone to mend at my expense.

I seek out men who have no interest in commitment and who couldn't care less about me. I have some kind of radar for emotional problems and traumatic childhoods. I fall in love with broken people, they become my everything, and then they leave.

Because when you don't mean as much to someone as they mean to you, that happens.

They can walk away without a second thought.

And it's not fair.

I am worth so much more than I let myself have.


Thursday, 13 June 2013

Laura Does Something Different


I don't usually do this, but I NEEDED AN OUTLET FOR SOME FEELINGS.

Feelings, mind you, that are about a television programme.

So, basically, the latest season of Game of Thrones ended on Monday, and I have been left with a horrible hole in my life. Usually by this point in the week, I am already excited about the next episode. BUT THAT HAS BEEN CRUELLY HALTED.

I am taking this harder than most, I think, because I watched the first two seasons WELL after everyone else did. My ex-boyfriend and I hunkered down last September with a duvet and six boxes of Maltesers and watched all twenty episodes at once.

This season, therefore, has actually been rather difficult for me because I couldn't just put the next episode on. I HAD TO WAIT LIKE SOME KIND OF PEASANT.

Another fatal mistake was reading the books, I feel. Because I know what's coming and I can't wait a year for it. Sorry. We're going to have to move some dates around.

Daenerys, by Gavin Bond (not Gil Elvgren)

H'ANYWAY. To help with the necessary closure, I have decided to furnish you with a list of my favourite moments, all while going into far too much detail


7. Give Me A Hand
The Jaime Lannister we knew from seasons one and two was, at best, a complete dick. He's sleeping with his sister, he is fifty percent responsible for the birth of Joffrey and, of course, he threw a child from a window. The fact that this man is a Knight makes me seriously question the application process.
However, his relationship with Brienne of Tarth, who has been charged with returning him to King's Landing, actually turns him into something vaguely fanciable. Sadly for Jaime, developing a conscience, and being quite against the idea of Brienne being raped, ends with him getting his sword hand lopped off.

6. Sam's Dagger
Samwell Tarly has had a rough old time of it, really. Forced to either join the Night's Watch or be killed by his own dad, he arrived at Castle Black with less than adequate self-defence skills.
I'd also like to take a moment to express sympathy for Gilly, because if you and your baby were running away with ANYONE, would you want it to be Sam? No. The fact that they are alive is sheer luck. Well, luck and those magic daggers that Sam found in the snow.
In a move that shocked everyone, including himself, Sam became the first person to kill a White Walker in centuries. He also dropped one of the magic daggers while he was running away and left it there but, you know, baby steps.

5. Strangled in your Sleep
Cersei Lannister seems to be losing her grip on things a little bit, doesn't she? At least when King Joffrey was all set to marry Sansa, she had some control. But now that Sansa is married, reluctantly, to Tyrion Lannister and Joffrey is engaged to Margaery Tyrell, she's a bit stuck. Largely, of course, because Margaery is a proper little minx. However, not one to be beaten, Cersei had a good go at warning Margaery off with a little story about the last family who tried to better the Lannisters, but lost all points for subtlety with the line "If you ever call me 'sister' again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep." Gorgeous.
All that aside, now that Joffrey is shooting prostitutes with crossbows during his downtime, I think it's probably safe to say that Cersei wouldn't have much hope of reining him in regardless of Margaery's cleavage-focused presence.

4. The Climb
Visually, the climbing of The Wall by the Wildlings and their temporary companion, Jon Snow, has been one of the most pleasing. This wall, of course, is 700ft high and built to keep the creatures beyond away from the realms of men, so it wasn't exactly your average hike.
(Oh, it was all going so well back then, wasn't it? Jon and Ygritte were in love; she'd managed to make him break his vow of celibacy within five seconds of taking her clothes off; they managed not to die when the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean cut their safety rope; Ygritte saw a windmill and thought it was a castle. Romantic. Unfortunately, since then, Jon has upset her so much that she felt the need to shoot him with not one but THREE arrows. Men, eh? I bet Ygritte would benefit from a blog.)

3. Family Reunion
Arya Stark has spent two whole seasons trying to get back to her family after her dad went and got his head chopped off in King's Landing, and in episode nine of season three she finally did it! Yay! Oh but HANG ON, they're all getting murdered by the Freys.
Poor Arya. At least she didn't see anything too awful though. ENTER ROBB WIND.
In a surprising bit of by-the-book accuracy, the mutilated corpse of Robb, our King in the North, was paraded around for all to see following the events of the Red Wedding, where he - along with his wife, his unborn child, his mother and the entire Northern Army - was murdered . Lovely. His head was removed and replaced with the head of his pet Dire Wolf, Grey Wind. Hence, "Robb Wind".
I have never been so excited to see a dead body in my life, I'll tell you that much. Excellently done. Unsurprisingly, Arya did not share my excitement and shortly afterwards went and murdered someone claiming to be responsible. You've probably guessed by now that she's on quite a steep path, murder-wise. Good luck to her. 

2. Magic Box
The long-awaited story of how Lord Varys, our genitalia-free friend, became a eunuch was more than enough for me, frankly. BUT THEN HE OPENED THE BOX. "The revenge you want will be yours in time." Beautiful.
(In other castration news, poor Theon Greyjoy is not having a good time of it at all, is he? He's still trapped with Ramsay Snow who, despite the fact that he has just cut another man's delicates off, is mental enough to be comfortable eating a giant pork sausage.)

1. Dracarys
The best moment of this season was brought to you by Daenerys Targaryen and The Unsullied.
Despite Ser Jorah's vociferous objections, Dany traded one of her lovely little dragons for eight thousand highly effective slave soldiers who, by the way, all have a little something in common with Varys and Theon. Ouch.
Unsurprisingly, she reclaims her dragon after the exchange, orders it to barbecue Kraznys the slave master and then sets her whole army on the city, freeing every slave in it.
When she frees her army, they naturally decide to fight for her anyway because of how nice she is. Heart-warming stuff. I would fight for her too, frankly.


And eeee. Look at that. Seven favourite moments and I hardly even MENTIONED Tyrion.


I've just remembered the scene where Podrick comes back from the prostitutes. That should be in there. Maybe in the middle.