Saturday, 15 June 2013

Be Selfish

I usually go out of my way to avoid posting overly-sentimental stuff on my public tumblr, but today I had one and a half chocolate oranges and subsequently threw all of my dignity to the wind.

The post that caught my attention and alienated about half of my followers, however, resonated with me in a way that surprised me so much that I thought I'd bore you with it as well.

I'm not going to link it (because I got embarrassed and deleted it and now I can't find it) so I'm going to quote a point that I saved. Just this bit:

"Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you."


I suppose that's something that will only move you if you are (or have been) where I am. Everyone else reading this is just rolling their eyes at my all-too-predictable emotional collapse. But I'm going somewhere with this, I assure you.

In fact, I think I may have had an epiphany of sorts.

Not long ago, we briefly addressed some unfortunate feelings that I am currently suffering - and we're doing a daily play-by-play over on twitter - but what we've never really talked about is my history of putting myself in this position.

(Just less than a year ago, however, I did write this. About, I should warn you, the same boy that we're dealing with now. I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THAT YOU GO BACK AND READ IT. Past Me is proving my point better than Current Me could ever hope to.)


The most frustrating thing about being a bit 'emotionally troubled' is that there isn't a foolproof way of dealing with it.

There comes a point when you run out of woe and don't have the energy to fall into an Ophelian heap every time something goes wrong. You're just stuck, right at the bottom of an empty emotionless well.

You might stay there for a while, but sooner or later you realise that you need to get out.

Here are your options:

1. You wait around to be rescued.

2. You concentrate on helping someone else to get out of the well.

3. You climb out by yourself.

My sanity absolutely relies on option number two.

If I'm not dealing with someone else's problems - emotional or otherwise - then I have no choice but to deal with mine, and there always seem to be too many of them.

That's why, you see, I have allowed myself to be second best in every relationship I've ever had. It's why I've been, essentially, a rebound girl for every boy I've been involved with. It's why the girl who shows up after I've gone (or sometimes while I'm still around) always seems to be the one that works out.

Because I've been the emotional punch bag, and I've allowed someone to mend at my expense.

I seek out men who have no interest in commitment and who couldn't care less about me. I have some kind of radar for emotional problems and traumatic childhoods. I fall in love with broken people, they become my everything, and then they leave.

Because when you don't mean as much to someone as they mean to you, that happens.

They can walk away without a second thought.

And it's not fair.

I am worth so much more than I let myself have.