*A CHANGE TO REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING*
I don't usually do this, but I NEEDED AN OUTLET FOR SOME FEELINGS.
Feelings, mind you, that are about a television programme.
So, basically, the latest season of Game of Thrones ended on Monday, and I have been left with a horrible hole in my life. Usually by this point in the week, I am already excited about the next episode. BUT THAT HAS BEEN CRUELLY HALTED.
I am taking this harder than most, I think, because I watched the first two seasons WELL after everyone else did. My ex-boyfriend and I hunkered down last September with a duvet and six boxes of Maltesers and watched all twenty episodes at once.
This season, therefore, has actually been rather difficult for me because I couldn't just put the next episode on. I HAD TO WAIT LIKE SOME KIND OF PEASANT.
Another fatal mistake was reading the books, I feel. Because I know what's coming and I can't wait a year for it. Sorry. We're going to have to move some dates around.
Daenerys, by Gavin Bond (not Gil Elvgren)
H'ANYWAY. To help with the necessary closure, I have decided to furnish you with a list of my favourite moments, all while going into far too much detail
7. Give Me A Hand
The Jaime Lannister we knew from seasons one and two was, at best, a complete dick. He's sleeping with his sister, he is fifty percent responsible for the birth of Joffrey and, of course, he threw a child from a window. The fact that this man is a Knight makes me seriously question the application process.
However, his relationship with Brienne of Tarth, who has been charged with returning him to King's Landing, actually turns him into something vaguely fanciable. Sadly for Jaime, developing a conscience, and being quite against the idea of Brienne being raped, ends with him getting his sword hand lopped off.
6. Sam's Dagger
Samwell Tarly has had a rough old time of it, really. Forced to either join the Night's Watch or be killed by his own dad, he arrived at Castle Black with less than adequate self-defence skills.
I'd also like to take a moment to express sympathy for Gilly, because if you and your baby were running away with ANYONE, would you want it to be Sam? No. The fact that they are alive is sheer luck. Well, luck and those magic daggers that Sam found in the snow.
In a move that shocked everyone, including himself, Sam became the first person to kill a White Walker in centuries. He also dropped one of the magic daggers while he was running away and left it there but, you know, baby steps.
5. Strangled in your Sleep
Cersei Lannister seems to be losing her grip on things a little bit, doesn't she? At least when King Joffrey was all set to marry Sansa, she had some control. But now that Sansa is married, reluctantly, to Tyrion Lannister and Joffrey is engaged to Margaery Tyrell, she's a bit stuck. Largely, of course, because Margaery is a proper little minx. However, not one to be beaten, Cersei had a good go at warning Margaery off with a little story about the last family who tried to better the Lannisters, but lost all points for subtlety with the line "If you ever call me 'sister' again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep." Gorgeous.
All that aside, now that Joffrey is shooting prostitutes with crossbows during his downtime, I think it's probably safe to say that Cersei wouldn't have much hope of reining him in regardless of Margaery's cleavage-focused presence.
4. The Climb
Visually, the climbing of The Wall by the Wildlings and their temporary companion, Jon Snow, has been one of the most pleasing. This wall, of course, is 700ft high and built to keep the creatures beyond away from the realms of men, so it wasn't exactly your average hike.
(Oh, it was all going so well back then, wasn't it? Jon and Ygritte were in love; she'd managed to make him break his vow of celibacy within five seconds of taking her clothes off; they managed not to die when the guy from Pirates of the Caribbean cut their safety rope; Ygritte saw a windmill and thought it was a castle. Romantic. Unfortunately, since then, Jon has upset her so much that she felt the need to shoot him with not one but THREE arrows. Men, eh? I bet Ygritte would benefit from a blog.)
3. Family Reunion
Arya Stark has spent two whole seasons trying to get back to her family after her dad went and got his head chopped off in King's Landing, and in episode nine of season three she finally did it! Yay! Oh but HANG ON, they're all getting murdered by the Freys.
Poor Arya. At least she didn't see anything too awful though. ENTER ROBB WIND.
In a surprising bit of by-the-book accuracy, the mutilated corpse of Robb, our King in the North, was paraded around for all to see following the events of the Red Wedding, where he - along with his wife, his unborn child, his mother and the entire Northern Army - was murdered . Lovely. His head was removed and replaced with the head of his pet Dire Wolf, Grey Wind. Hence, "Robb Wind".
I have never been so excited to see a dead body in my life, I'll tell you that much. Excellently done. Unsurprisingly, Arya did not share my excitement and shortly afterwards went and murdered someone claiming to be responsible. You've probably guessed by now that she's on quite a steep path, murder-wise. Good luck to her.
2. Magic Box
The long-awaited story of how Lord Varys, our genitalia-free friend, became a eunuch was more than enough for me, frankly. BUT THEN HE OPENED THE BOX. "The revenge you want will be yours in time." Beautiful.
(In other castration news, poor Theon Greyjoy is not having a good time of it at all, is he? He's still trapped with Ramsay Snow who, despite the fact that he has just cut another man's delicates off, is mental enough to be comfortable eating a giant pork sausage.)
The best moment of this season was brought to you by Daenerys Targaryen and The Unsullied.
Despite Ser Jorah's vociferous objections, Dany traded one of her lovely little dragons for eight thousand highly effective slave soldiers who, by the way, all have a little something in common with Varys and Theon. Ouch.
Unsurprisingly, she reclaims her dragon after the exchange, orders it to barbecue Kraznys the slave master and then sets her whole army on the city, freeing every slave in it.
THE MOST EXCITING TEN MINUTES OF TELEVISION EVER.
When she frees her army, they naturally decide to fight for her anyway because of how nice she is. Heart-warming stuff. I would fight for her too, frankly.
WHAT AN EXCELLENT SEASON IT HAS BEEN.
And eeee. Look at that. Seven favourite moments and I hardly even MENTIONED Tyrion.
OH NO WAIT.
I've just remembered the scene where Podrick comes back from the prostitutes. That should be in there. Maybe in the middle.