Saturday, 3 August 2013

I Hate Everyone

If it were up to me, I'd cut about 95% of the people in my life out of it.

Unfortunately, I am not in a position where this is possible, sensible or acceptable.

For the sake of avoiding any unnecessarily injured feelings, allow me to assure you that if I am spending time with you, you're probably safe.

Although I do mean actual quality time. More than an occasional catch-up in Costa, let's say. As you may remember, I am a trained professional something and I can quite literally deal with anyone and anything, no matter how unpleasant or dull, for well over an hour. So don't be fooled.

I understand that the problem lies partly with me. I am hideously intolerant of other people.

People who whistle, for example. DON'T FUCKING WHISTLE.

I've lived and worked with people who would whistle FOR NO REASON and subsequently claim that they didn't realise they were doing it. I was forced to murder every one of them.

While they might be the worst, whistlers are not the only people I hate.

Here are some more.

It's been that kind of day.

People who act stupid.
People who are stupid.
People who retweet compliments.
People who retweet 'sodamnrelatable' and other such accounts.
People who tag instagram photos with #nofilter.
People who tag instagram photos with #nomakeup.
People who tap their fingers on surfaces.
People who knock on my desk to get my attention.
People who suffer from plain-face.
People who sing under their breath.
People who sing under their breath and then make a big show of squeaking out the high note.
People who answer the phone with 'Yello'.
People who fill silences with their own personal catchphrase.
People who say 'at the end of the day'.
People who refer to their boyfriend as 'the boy'.
People who lick their knife at the end of a meal.
People who lick their knife after buttering bread.
People who allow their cutlery to scrape against their plate.
People who take a sip of their drink while they still have food in their mouth.
People who have life rules.
People who start every story with "we were really drunk -".
People who preface music recommendations with "this probably isn't your thing -".
People who adopt the opinion of the most popular person in a group.
People who do not have opinions.
People who swear a lot.
People who don't swear.
People who laugh passive-aggressively.
People who disguise a lack of personality with odd hair.
People who won't give Game of Thrones a chance.
People who are vegetarian for moral reasons.
People who interrupt.
People who call when their text has not received a reply.
People who call to let me know that they've sent me an email.
People who are later than I am to any event.
People who say they're going to be late an hour in advance.
People who are early.

EDIT: I thought of some more.

People who get toast crumbs in the butter.
People who laugh at everything.
People who are any kind of bigot but think it's okay because they have a friend who is black/gay/a feminist.
People who, upon hearing that I don't like to eat fish, say "but you'll really enjoy [insert type of fish]."
People who order salad as a main course.
People who 'do' my accent.

EDIT: I remembered another one.

People who put kisses on the end of tweets or @replies.

Basically ALL PEOPLE.