Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Mute

Emotionally-speaking, I have had a hideous couple of weeks.

At first I tried to blame it on social networking, because it seemed that my incessant over-sharing and passive-aggressive bitching was at the root of a lot of the arguments I was having.

But now, having now completed ONE WEEK without twitter, it is safe to say that I am actually WORSE without those things. As some of us have come to learn this week, I find it nigh on impossible to deal with anything if I can't tell everyone about it in 140 characters or less.

And, also, I am just a terrible person.

In real life, I could spend a year with people before I'd dare to bother them with how I take my tea. I have childhood friends who couldn't tell you what my favourite colour is. There are people I eat fifty percent of my meals with who don't have A CLUE that they should probably be protecting me from a dangerous kiwi allergy.

I basically work on a need to know basis. If you've got my name and general location, we'll be okay. I feel like I'm bothering you with the other stuff.

AND YET on the internet, I will happily tell anyone anything, and I'll do it without them asking (or wanting) me to do so. This is partly due to the fact that my talents as a writer far exceed those that I have acquired as an actual live human person, but also because the internet gives you the power of takesies backsies. If I accidentally say something terrible or expunge an emotion, I can delete the tweet, blog or conversation and never have to deal with it again. Or explain it away, using skills that I do not possess in a one-to-one situation.

Speaking of which, I alluded to some sort of emotional turmoil back there. AND I WASN'T KIDDING. I have been a mess for a while now and it does seem like this has finally tipped me over the edge.

I'm crying a lot, I'm eating basically nothing and nobody loves me and I want to die.

I just can't SPEAK to people anymore. It is horrible to live your life with I Love Yous on the tip of your tongue and Help Mes stuck in your throat. I do think a lot of it is a fear of rejection or something, but some of it comes down to me essentially just not having the social skills to be able to approach people when I need them. And this past week I have really needed them.

So, I'm going to go and work on that, and you people should all go and focus on developing psychic abilities so that my intense feelings of loneliness, abandonment and depression don't get me launched off a bridge before Hallowe'en.

x