Monday, 30 September 2013

Re-evaluating

Usually when I post like this, it's off the back of some sort of argument. This time, though, it's been brewing for a while.

I've been feeling sad and insecure for far too long and, unfortunately for my incessant need to assign blame, it's not really anyone's fault. Except maybe mine.

I thought our current situation was finally getting somewhere.

Not in a relationship sense, because that's really not happening.

But in terms of just sort of chugging along, I thought we were alright.

We sleep together, we spend time together, I've been introduced to friends... I didn't really think he had room for anyone else because I certainly didn't. And yet it seems that he has been keeping his options well and truly open.

I think I tricked myself into thinking that this wasn't or wouldn't be a problem, but then a few weeks ago I overlooked what we'll call "an indiscretion".

Despite being informed that this reaction was not allowed - I had, after all, entered into this hideous non-relationship quite knowingly - I was upset. A little bit of that was out in the open, but to the casual outsider and to the boy in question, it was short-lived. If it's ever mentioned now, it's in something akin to jest.

Privately, though, I was absolutely crippled with grief. I can't even begin to put it into words, lest it spark mass suicide. I wish I was lying when I said that I was heartbroken, but there you go. It was - in the worst twelve months of my entire life - the thing that hurt the most.

In his defence, it's not even the first time, really, so I don't know why I expected anything else. I'm certainly not angry about it anymore. He's probably right about it being okay. He's certainly right in the sense that I was forewarned, anyway.

But recently, I've just been getting a little bit too cosy, I think. What a little idiot.

Granted, it was probably naive of me to think that we'd be alright. We're just not. It's absolutely fine being almost-friends who sleep together, and in many ways that's probably the ideal, but that only works as long as one of you doesn't get carried away with stupid feelings. And I always get carried away with stupid feelings.

Anyway.

It has come to my attention in the last few days that I need to protect myself. I was flung into a state of panic the other day by the mere suggestion that IT could be happening again at some point in the coming weeks, and I just CANNOT COPE.

I agreed to be in a non-relationship. I agreed to devalue myself. I agreed to be a stop-gap until someone better comes along. I agreed to settle for something that I told myself I never would.

So I can't blame anyone else for the way I have felt or for the way I am currently feeling. I put myself here. I put my already-broken, barely-functioning, battered and bruised self here. With someone who has THREE TIMES demonstrated that my absolute weakness for them is something to be taken advantage of.

So in exactly the same way as I got myself into this mess, I think I'm just going to have to take myself out of it.

x