Saturday, 10 August 2013

UNFAT

I'm a uk size 16.

Big boobs. Small waist. Massive arse.

THE INTERNET HAS JUDGED MY BODY TO BE UNACCEPTABLE.

On Sunday I wore a cropped vest. LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU THAT I LOOKED CRACKING. My waist is not bad to look at and the fact that it is covered up so often is a tragedy. The bits surrounding it are a bit wobbly, but I think that's okay because MY BODY IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 

I posted a photo online because a) I'm vain as hell and b) the occasion of me getting dressed and putting make-up on is so rare these days that I feel it should be documented.

(Note: The photo is no longer there because I have been shown the error of my ways.)

Some people reblogged my naked stomach to regular ol' fashion tumblrs. This was exciting. Some other people reblogged it to fat fashion tumblrs. Also exciting.

I started to feel quite smug and popular, which is exactly how stories of my downfall usually start.

IT DID NOT GO WELL FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS.

By studying commentary on reblogs and by referring to the messages sent directly to my tumblr inbox, I ascertained that many people thought that I would benefit from weight loss and hair extensions and also that they felt that it was their place to tell me.

This was to be expected. Tumblr is full of children and psychopaths.

However, what I did not expect was the response from people who thought that I was NOT QUITE FAT ENOUGH.

It was at this point that I became upset.

Several plus-sized blog owners - some of them self-proclaimed activists who refer to their friends as allies and think that any store that does not stock a size 36 is somehow working against them - had begun questioning why I was even on the fat pages.

Some of them got rather personal.

These women, it transpires, do not want to play with me. I am not fat enough to join their club because I can shop wherever I like. Apparently meeting society's criteria for attractiveness (by however narrow a margin) means that I don't understand (actual quote) "the struggle".

WELL READ BACK. I'm being called too fat, too small and also someone said that my hair was stupid. This is not what I wanted from my Sunday.

Basically, fat people, if you're trying to tell me that the average big-mouthed shouty person in the street is making some kind of distinction between a size 16 and a size 24, you are hideously misinformed.

We're all fat.

We've all had it shouted down the street or whispered on a beach or said by a stupid ex-boyfriend.

STOP BEING SO ELITIST.

Because, congratulations, you're now as awful and bullying as the girls who told you you were too fat for the thin pages. HOPE YOU'RE PROUD, BODY POSITIVITY.

x

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Clear Out

Earlier today I decided that I needed to clear out my wardrobe.

It had reached breaking point, frankly, and such was the overflow of clothing that I recently started hanging things on my doorframe and making full use of the floor.

Time to be ruthless.

As it happens, I am doing rather well.

I have thrown away about half of my clothes which, I suppose, might sound a bit extreme.

However, if we consider that my wardrobe still does not shut, I think we can probably agree that it was necessary.

Nevertheless, even though I was so without ruth during this exercise, I almost crumbled when I got to one stupid dress.

I've had it for about five years. It's black, floral, mid-length, cinched in the middle AND ABSOLUTELY HIDEOUS. It is still, remarkably, considered to be my 'back-up dress'. If ever I am stuck for something to wear, I reach for this monstrosity.

It always seems like a good idea for about an hour, and then I catch sight of myself in a window or something.

No clothing item on God's green earth is more capable of making me look and feel like a frumpy middle-aged housewife and I KNOW THIS.

So why can't I throw it out? And why do I go back to it so quickly? AND WILLINGLY?

As you read this, I will probably STILL be sitting in a pile of clothes with this dress on my lap.

And I think there might be a metaphor in here somewhere.

x

I Hate Everyone

If it were up to me, I'd cut about 95% of the people in my life out of it.

Unfortunately, I am not in a position where this is possible, sensible or acceptable.

For the sake of avoiding any unnecessarily injured feelings, allow me to assure you that if I am spending time with you, you're probably safe.

Although I do mean actual quality time. More than an occasional catch-up in Costa, let's say. As you may remember, I am a trained professional something and I can quite literally deal with anyone and anything, no matter how unpleasant or dull, for well over an hour. So don't be fooled.

I understand that the problem lies partly with me. I am hideously intolerant of other people.

People who whistle, for example. DON'T FUCKING WHISTLE.

I've lived and worked with people who would whistle FOR NO REASON and subsequently claim that they didn't realise they were doing it. I was forced to murder every one of them.

While they might be the worst, whistlers are not the only people I hate.

Here are some more.

It's been that kind of day.

People who act stupid.
People who are stupid.
People who retweet compliments.
People who retweet 'sodamnrelatable' and other such accounts.
People who tag instagram photos with #nofilter.
People who tag instagram photos with #nomakeup.
People who tap their fingers on surfaces.
People who knock on my desk to get my attention.
People who suffer from plain-face.
People who sing under their breath.
People who sing under their breath and then make a big show of squeaking out the high note.
People who answer the phone with 'Yello'.
People who fill silences with their own personal catchphrase.
People who say 'at the end of the day'.
People who refer to their boyfriend as 'the boy'.
People who lick their knife at the end of a meal.
People who lick their knife after buttering bread.
People who allow their cutlery to scrape against their plate.
People who take a sip of their drink while they still have food in their mouth.
People who have life rules.
People who start every story with "we were really drunk -".
People who preface music recommendations with "this probably isn't your thing -".
People who adopt the opinion of the most popular person in a group.
People who do not have opinions.
People who swear a lot.
People who don't swear.
People who laugh passive-aggressively.
People who disguise a lack of personality with odd hair.
People who won't give Game of Thrones a chance.
People who are vegetarian for moral reasons.
People who interrupt.
People who call when their text has not received a reply.
People who call to let me know that they've sent me an email.
People who are later than I am to any event.
People who say they're going to be late an hour in advance.
People who are early.

EDIT: I thought of some more.

People who get toast crumbs in the butter.
People who laugh at everything.
People who are any kind of bigot but think it's okay because they have a friend who is black/gay/a feminist.
People who, upon hearing that I don't like to eat fish, say "but you'll really enjoy [insert type of fish]."
People who order salad as a main course.
People who 'do' my accent.

EDIT: I remembered another one.

People who put kisses on the end of tweets or @replies.

Basically ALL PEOPLE.

x