Sunday, 8 June 2014

Eurgh.

The last week has been AWFUL.

I thought my former-Crazy-Bitch-self had prepared me for the worst, but I had no idea of what people were actually capable of when they had been handed your feelings.

We're going to drill down to the bedrock of this, so DO TRY TO KEEP UP.

Doughnut.

We've been 'seeing each other' (probably not even that) for about two years. (EDIT: Two years EXACTLY, this Tuesday coming. What a coincidence.)

For that two years I would estimate that only twenty percent of that time has not been marred by him either chasing after or sleeping with someone else.

I was undoubtedly used by him, emotionally and physically, and can't help but feel as though I was part of a cruel experiment. Like, a little test to see if he could do a relationship before he moved on and found someone that he thinks is worth his time.

I mean, he introduced me to family and friends. We went away together. We spent A LOT of time together. He also forced me into close quarters with his best friend, which means that I am now not only being stung by the loss of him as a Whatever (more on this later) but also by the loss of her.

To the average onlooker, I would imagine we looked every inch the couple.

Naturally, to counteract that, he ensured that I knew FULL WELL where I stood, but you put up with that kind of thing when your self-esteem has been trampled into the ground.

Eurgh.

Anyway, recently things started getting too comfortable and Doughnut freaked out (as he is entitled to do) and decided that what the situation called for was the CEASING OF ALL CONTACT.

Awesome and grown-up, as is his trademark.

He didn't actually let me know about this though. Had he done so, I would have backed off immediately. He literally ended our last conversation with "Can I pick you up in a few days?"

So, not just miscommunicating but flat-out lying about his intentions.

I tried to get in touch. Obviously. I always try to get in touch.

The most unfortunate thing about him, however, is that he does this thing, even in my physical presence, where my every action is interpreted as either manipulative, spiteful or insane. There is a picture of me in his head - probably to help justify the pain he deliberately causes - that is entirely alien compared to Actual Me.

As a result, this week has been punctuated by the sound of me being spat at via text and email for imagined slights, and I have been accused of being possessive, needy and all of those words thrown at women to frighten them, simply for wanting some clarity.

Apparently I was called all of those things by his friends too.

Lovely.

He's currently playing the same games I have seen him play with other girls. He's tweeting about being happy (an emotion I'm pretty sure he does not have access to) and having a fantastic time without me. Anything I do hear from him is either abusive or dismissive. Nothing short of disrespectful. Having heard the way he speaks about his past conquests, it sadly does not surprise me.

And, enough's enough.

Monday, 2 June 2014

You're Being A Dick

We may or may not have touched upon this before.

I have very strong feelings about the phrase I Love You, in the sense that I think it is FUCKING STUPID AND OVER-HYPED.

I understand that we have all grown up on Friends and Scrubs and other horrible things that have made us think that I Love You is some kind of monumental life-altering utterance, but it isn't. It's just words. Non-mattering words.

The feelings behind the words matter, of course, but...

HERE IS WHAT I AM GETTING AT.

I literally cannot remember a time when I have said I Love You out loud to a human boy (which is where my sexual interest mostly lies), but it doesn't mean that I didn't love them or have feelings for them or whatever.

I have a lot of feelings but because some of them are stuck behind a wall of fear, panic and self-loathing, it may not always be obvious.

People express themselves in different ways. NUANCE.

"You're being a dick", for example, is just the most wonderfully underrated expression of affection when it's said by someone who's sticking around.

THINK FOR A SECOND ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS.

It means that even AT YOUR WORST, someone still thinks you're a solid investment.

And then there are the little things.

Like, "here's some toast to keep you alive, because that's important to me." Or, "I've caught this spider but I promise I won't wave it in your face because I know how you get."

Maybe, "I'm going to watch this thing because it's important to you and I will try my best to be diplomatic even when it is stupid." Or, "look, I'm going to offer you the last biscuit even though I really want it."

Also if you offer someone the last biscuit and they don't take it, THAT may be a lovely and beautiful gesture.

You see?

NUANCE.

So, you might have a moment where I Love You is a thing that it makes sense to say aloud, but you are doing yourself a disservice if you will accept nothing less or if you think, even for a second, that the words are what matter. You don't need to hear it. You need the other bits.

x